Have you ever caught yourself having a thought and immediately felt guilty about it? Perhaps a flash of anger toward someone you love, a sexual desire that felt “inappropriate,” or a moment of pure selfishness where you wanted what you wanted without considering anyone else?
If you’ve experienced the immediate shame that follows natural human emotions, you’ve encountered what I call your “forbidden self” – the collection of perfectly natural human experiences that you’ve been taught are wrong, bad, or unacceptable.
As a holistic therapist specializing in somatic healing and family constellation work in Ireland, I’ve witnessed how this splitting of ourselves into “acceptable” and “forbidden” parts creates profound suffering. Today, we’ll explore how to reclaim your complete humanity without judgment or shame.
Understanding the “Forbidden Self”: The Great Human Splitting
The forbidden self encompasses all the aspects of your natural human experience that didn’t receive love and acceptance during your formative years. This isn’t about your “shadow” in the Jungian sense – it’s about the raw, unedited, authentic human experience that’s been shamed into hiding.
What Creates the Forbidden Self?
From early childhood, we learn which emotions, desires, and behaviors are deemed acceptable by our families and society:
- Anger becomes dangerous when we’re told “good children don’t get mad”
- Sexual energy becomes shameful when natural curiosity is labeled “dirty”
- Self-advocacy becomes selfish when our needs are consistently deprioritized
- Emotional intensity becomes “too much” when our feelings overwhelm caregivers
- Authentic desires become wrong when they don’t align with family expectations
The Somatic Impact of Emotional Splitting
When we reject parts of ourselves, this rejection doesn’t just live in our minds – it becomes embedded in our bodies. Through my work in somatic therapy across Ireland and Ulster, I’ve observed how different “forbidden” aspects inhabit specific areas of the body:
Where the Forbidden Lives in Your Body
The Jaw: Often holds unexpressed words – the “no’s” that were swallowed, authentic desires never voiced, anger that was pushed down.
The Throat: May constrict around our authentic voice – truths that felt too dangerous to speak, expressions that weren’t welcomed.
The Chest: Sometimes becomes armored against tender feelings, vulnerable desires, and raw human longings that weren’t safe to feel.
The Belly: Frequently stores suppressed emotions – anger deemed unacceptable, sexual energy that was shamed, pure life force told to be smaller.
The Pelvis: Often holds our most forbidden energy – sexuality, primal desires, the raw life force that moves through us regardless of approval.
The Gifts Hidden in Your Forbidden Self
Here’s what most people don’t realize: every aspect of yourself that you’ve been taught to reject actually carries essential gifts for your wholeness and authenticity.
Reclaiming the Gifts
Your Anger carries your boundaries, sense of justice, and ability to protect what you love. It’s not destructive rage – it’s healthy protective fire.
Your Sexual Energy carries your creative life force, capacity for pleasure and connection, and fundamental aliveness. It’s not perversion – it’s your natural vitality.
Your “Selfish” Desires carry your ability to know and honor your needs, practice self-care, and show up as a whole person in relationships. It’s not cruelty – it’s healthy self-advocacy.
Your Emotional Intensity carries your depth, empathy, and ability to feel life fully. It’s not weakness – it’s your tender humanity seeking expression.
Your “Inappropriate” Thoughts carry your honesty, refusal to pretend, and connection to authentic experience. It’s not badness – it’s realness.
The Somatic Approach to Integration
Traditional approaches to shadow work often remain cognitive, but forbidden self-healing requires somatic integration – working directly with how these split-off parts live in your nervous system and body.
Somatic Practices for Welcoming Home Your Forbidden Self
Body Scanning for the Forbidden: Bring awareness to where you hold tension when experiencing “unacceptable” emotions. Notice without trying to change anything.
Breathing into the Forbidden: When you notice shame about a natural human response, breathe directly into where you feel it in your body, offering oxygen and space.
Movement for Integration: Allow your body to express what words cannot – gentle shaking, stretching, or movement that honors what wants to emerge.
Vocal Expression: Practice saying “inappropriate” truths in safe spaces – even just to yourself – to reclaim your authentic voice.
Common Forbidden Selves and Their Healing
The Angry Self
Many people, especially women and those from “nice” families, learn that anger is dangerous. Yet anger is simply energy that arises when boundaries are crossed or injustice occurs.
Healing Practice: When anger arises, instead of pushing it down, pause and ask: “What is this anger trying to protect? What boundary might need attention?”
The Sexual Self
Sexual energy and desire are fundamental life forces, yet many carry deep shame about their sexuality due to religious conditioning, family messages, or cultural taboos.
Healing Practice: Recognize that sexual energy is creative life force. You don’t need to act on every impulse, but you can appreciate this energy as part of your aliveness.
The Selfish Self
The part that knows what you want, has preferences, and sometimes wants to prioritize your needs is often labeled selfish and shamed into hiding.
Healing Practice: Distinguish between healthy self-care and harmful selfishness. Taking care of your needs allows you to show up more fully for others.
The Emotional Self
The part that feels deeply, gets overwhelmed, or needs comfort is often told to “be stronger” or “get over it.”
Healing Practice: Honor your emotional sensitivity as a gift. Feeling deeply allows for greater empathy, creativity, and authentic connection.
Somatic Journey to Reclaim Your Forbidden Self
The Family Constellation Perspective
Through family constellation work, which I facilitate throughout Ireland, I’ve seen how shame about natural human experience often gets passed down through generations. When we heal our relationship with our forbidden self, we’re not just healing ourselves – we’re healing ancestral patterns of shame and self-rejection.
Breaking Generational Patterns
Your great-grandmother may have had to suppress her anger to survive in a patriarchal society. Your grandfather might have disconnected from his emotions to cope with war trauma. These survival strategies were intelligent for their circumstances but may no longer serve you.
When you reclaim your forbidden self, you’re completing their healing journey and giving future generations permission to be fully human.
Integration vs. Expression: A Crucial Distinction
Reclaiming your forbidden self doesn’t mean acting on every impulse or abandoning social consideration. It means having conscious relationship with all aspects of your humanity instead of trying to eliminate the “unacceptable” ones.
The Difference Between Integration and Acting Out
Integration: “I notice I’m feeling angry. Let me understand what this anger is trying to tell me and respond consciously.”
Acting Out: “I’m angry, so I’m going to lash out without consideration for consequences.”
Integration: “I feel sexual attraction. I can appreciate this energy as part of my aliveness while making conscious choices about expression.”
Acting Out: “I feel attracted to someone, so I must pursue it regardless of circumstances.”
Daily Practices for Forbidden Self Healing
The Morning Check-In
Each morning, ask yourself: “What part of me wants acknowledgment today? What aspect of my humanity am I trying to hide?”
The Forbidden Feelings Welcome
Throughout the day, when you notice yourself having a “forbidden” thought or feeling, practice saying: “Hello, anger. Hello, desire. Hello, need. You’re welcome here too.”
The Evening Appreciation
Each night, appreciate moments when you were authentic rather than just appropriate: “Thank you for being real today, even when it wasn’t perfect.”
The Compassionate Pause
When shame arises about natural human responses, pause and offer yourself the same compassion you’d give a dear friend: “This is a normal human experience. I don’t need to judge myself for being human.”
The Ripple Effects of Forbidden Self Integration
When you stop rejecting parts of yourself, profound shifts occur:
Personal Transformation
- Increased Energy: No longer depleted by constant internal conflict
- Authentic Relationships: Attraction to people who can handle your full humanity
- Creative Expression: Access to previously blocked life force energy
- Emotional Freedom: Ability to feel without immediately judging yourself
Collective Healing
- Reduced Projection: Less likely to judge others for qualities you’ve rejected in yourself
- Modeling Authenticity: Permission for others to be real rather than perfect
- Breaking Shame Cycles: Healing generational patterns of self-rejection
- Cultural Shift: Contributing to a world that values authenticity over performance
Working with Resistance
It’s normal to feel resistance when beginning this work. Your psyche developed these splits for good reasons – often to maintain connection with caregivers who couldn’t handle your full humanity.
Common Forms of Resistance
Fear of Rejection: “If people see all of me, they’ll leave.” Moral Confusion: “If I accept my anger/sexuality/selfishness, won’t I become a bad person?” Family Loyalty: “Changing means betraying my family’s values.” Spiritual Bypassing:“I should only focus on love and light, not these ‘lower’ aspects.”
Working with Resistance Compassionately
Remember that resistance is protection. Thank these parts for trying to keep you safe while gently expanding what they consider acceptable.
Professional Support for Deep Integration in Ireland
While some forbidden self-work can happen through self-reflection and somatic practices, deeper integration often benefits from professional support, especially when:
- Shame feels overwhelming or suicidal
- You have a history of severe trauma or abuse
- Religious or cultural conditioning feels impossible to navigate alone
- You’re struggling with addictive behaviors related to forbidden aspects
As a holistic therapist practicing in Ireland, I work with clients using integrative somatic approaches to safely navigate this profound healing work.
The Freedom of Full Humanity
When you reclaim your forbidden self, you discover something profound: your “darkness” isn’t dark at all – it’s completeness. What you thought were problems to solve were actually aspects of your wholeness waiting for integration.
This doesn’t mean becoming someone who acts on every impulse or abandons consideration for others. It means becoming someone who doesn’t have to hide from their own humanity to feel worthy of love.
Living as a Whole Human
Imagine moving through life without constantly monitoring yourself for “inappropriate” responses. Picture relationships where you don’t have to perform goodness but can simply be real. Envision creative expression flowing from your complete self rather than only the “acceptable” parts.
This is what’s available when you stop trying to be a better person by eliminating the “bad” parts and instead become a real person by integrating all parts.
Conclusion: The Courage to Be Human
Reclaiming your forbidden self is one of the most radical acts of self-love available in our perfectionist culture. It requires tremendous courage to face the parts of yourself you’ve been taught to reject and offer them the same compassion you’d give a frightened child.
Your forbidden self isn’t your enemy – it’s your wholeness. The goal isn’t to become someone without difficult emotions or desires. The goal is to become someone who can have conscious relationship with the full spectrum of human experience.
You are not broken for being human. You are not wrong for having feelings, desires, and needs. You are not bad for experiencing the full range of what it means to be alive.
You are whole, complex, and magnificently human. And that is more than enough.
