You want to go, and you want to stay. You love them, and you’re furious with them. You’re excited about the new job, and quietly dreading it. Most of us know this feeling well, and most of us assume it means something is wrong with us.
TL;DR: Feeling two or more emotions at the same time is normal. It’s how a human mind works, not a sign you’re confused or broken. Research shows people really do feel mixed emotions at once, and that being able to hold them may support wellbeing over time. Rather than forcing yourself to pick one feeling, you can name each one (“the one inside me who wants to leave, and the one inside me who wants to stay”) and let them share the room. Abi Beri, integrative somatic therapist
What are conflicting emotions?
Conflicting emotions, also called mixed emotions, are two or more feelings that seem to pull in different directions, happening at the same time. Hope and fear. Love and anger. Relief and grief. Wanting and not wanting.
They’re especially common at turning points: a new relationship, leaving a job, a family gathering, a loss, a move. Anywhere something matters to us in more than one way.
Is it normal to feel two emotions at once?
Yes. It’s completely normal, and it’s far more common than the tidy, one-feeling-at-a-time picture most of us grew up with.
For a long time, some researchers wondered whether people could truly feel opposite emotions at the same moment, or whether they were just switching quickly between them. Studies by psychologists Jeff Larsen and Peter McGraw found evidence that people can feel happy and sad at the same time, for example while watching a bittersweet film.
Even more encouraging, research by Jonathan Adler and Hal Hershfield followed people in therapy and found that experiencing mixed emotions, such as feeling both sad and happy about a hard situation, came before improvements in their wellbeing. Being able to hold more than one feeling may be part of how people move through difficult times.
The poet Walt Whitman put it more simply over 150 years ago: “Do I contradict myself? Very well then I contradict myself, (I am large, I contain multitudes.)”
Why does it feel so confusing?
Mostly because of how we talk to ourselves.
We say “I am angry” or “I am scared”, as if there’s only room for one of us in there. So when a second feeling arrives, it seems to cancel the first. Am I angry, or do I love them? Do I want this, or not? We think we have to choose, and the choosing becomes the struggle.
But we’re not one single voice inside. As I explore in the talk, we are not single, we are populated. There’s the one who is hopeful and the one who is bracing for disappointment. The one who wants to leave and the one who wants to stay. Both are real. Both are you. Neither has to win.
How do you deal with conflicting emotions?
Name each one separately, and let them both be there. You don’t need to resolve the conflict straight away.
A simple phrase helps: “the one inside me who…”
Instead of “I don’t know what I want”, try: “The one inside me who wants to go, and the one inside me who’s afraid to go.”
Instead of “I’m angry at them and I shouldn’t be”, try: “The one inside me who’s angry, and the one inside me who loves them.”
Something shifts when you do this. The inner tug-of-war becomes more like a room with two people in it. And you become the one who can notice them both, a kind of host, rather than being pulled apart by them.
Do I have to decide which feeling is right?
No. Often, neither feeling is “right” on its own. Each one usually carries something true.
The one who wants to leave may be protecting your energy. The one who wants to stay may be protecting a connection that matters. When both are heard, decisions tend to become clearer by themselves, and they’re usually wiser than the ones we force while half of us is being ignored.
And sometimes there’s no decision to make at all. You can grieve someone and feel relieved that their suffering is over. You can love your family and find Christmas exhausting. Both can simply be true.
A short practice: hosting the room
Try this next time you feel torn.
Pause, and let your body be supported by whatever you’re sitting or standing on.
Ask: who is here right now? Notice the first feeling. Name it: “the one inside me who…”
Then ask: is anyone else here? Name the second one, and a third if it shows up.
Notice where each seems to live in your body. One might sit in the chest, another in the stomach or throat.
Now, without choosing between them, let them both stay. Imagine you’re the room they’re sitting in. Big enough for both.
Stay for a few breaths. Notice if anything softens. Nothing has to be decided yet.
When mixed feelings are harder to hold
Some inner conflicts are light. Others go deep: feelings about a parent, a relationship that hurt you, an old loss. When one of the inner voices carries real pain or shame, it can be hard to make room for it on your own.
That isn’t failure. Some things are meant to be held with support. If that feels relevant, you’re welcome to explore one-to-one integrative somatic therapy, or Family Constellation groups, where conflicting loyalties within families often come to light gently.
Listen to the full talk
This article draws on the Sacred Talk The One Inside You Who Is Tired, which explores the many inner ones we carry and how to become a kind host to all of them. Watch it above, or listen wherever you prefer:
- Listen on Insight Timer (free and premium Sacred Talks)
- Watch on YouTube
- Listen on Spotify
- Listen on Apple Podcasts
- Listen on SoundCloud
For one-to-one support, visit Somatic Therapy Ireland. For group work, see Family Constellations Europe. More talks and articles live here on Blissful Evolution.
Frequently asked questions
Why do I feel happy and sad at the same time?
Because many experiences touch us in more than one way. A graduation, a wedding, a goodbye or a new beginning can hold joy and loss together. Research shows people can genuinely feel both at once, and it’s a normal part of being human.
Are conflicting emotions a sign of a mental health problem?
No. Mixed feelings on their own are normal and healthy. If you feel stuck, overwhelmed or unable to function for a long period, it’s worth talking to your GP or a counsellor.
How do I make a decision when I feel torn?
Listen to each feeling separately before deciding. Name them (“the one inside me who…”), notice what each is trying to protect, and give it a little time. Decisions made with all of you heard are usually clearer and kinder.
What is parts work?
Parts work is a family of therapy approaches, including Internal Family Systems, that sees the mind as made up of many inner parts with their own feelings and roles. The practice in this article is a simple, jargon-free version you can use in daily life.
About the author
Abi Beri is an IPHM-accredited integrative somatic therapist and family constellation facilitator, with an HDip in Counselling and a Certified Trauma Professional credential. Based in Ireland, he works with individuals online worldwide and runs Family Constellation groups. Book a session.
Find Abi on Insight Timer · YouTube · Spotify · Apple Podcasts · SoundCloud
If this article has stirred something difficult, please be gentle with yourself. In Ireland and the UK, Samaritans are available day and night on 116 123. This article is for information and isn’t a substitute for professional care.
